Hollywood actors

Cast of Houston Texans players and staff with Hollywood actors

The Houston Texans can be an utterly dysfunctional NFL franchise, but they would definitely make one hell of a movie. I started wondering which Hollywood actors would play the Texans players and how to capture the ballyhoo in a cinematic classic. Without delay…

Which Texan players/staff are in the movie, and which Hollywood actors will play them?

With fascinating characters like the ambitious Jack Easterby, the brave Deshaun Watson and the mercurial but doomed Bill O’Brien, Texans: the movie would be a Shakespearean show with elements of breaking Bad, Catch Me If You Can, Any Sundayand The Love Guru sprinkled in it.

With its mix of action, intrigue, slapstick comedy and biting social satire, the Texas Cinematic Universe could one day give the Marvel Cinematic Universe a run for its money.

the Texas the script has been writing for about a year. All we need is the perfect cast to bring box office boffo. And while the casting might be tricky – there are no lofty Tom Hanks or dashing Matt Damon types in this tale – we have a few suggestions that will make fans much more interested in watching. Texas than they would be to watch the Texans anytime soon.

Jack EasterbyJames McAvoy

James McAvoy speaking at the 2015 San Diego Comic Con International, for ‘X-Men: Apocalypse’, at the San Diego Convention Center in San Diego, CA. (Skidmore Gage)

He went bald in the X-Men movies. He went crazy in To divide and Glass. McAvoy is perhaps the only actor in Hollywood qualified to plumb the depths of the enigmatic Houston Texans executive vice president and Svengali-esque power broker.

But will McAvoy describe Easterby as a Charles Xavier-like hero who uses his mind-control powers for good, a chameleon-like archivlain like “The Beast,” or just a mediocre team chaplain and failed sunday school stand-up comedian who flatters and accomplices his way through the halls of NFL royalty?

Whichever approach he chooses for the character, the Scottish-born actor can be counted on to chew up the scenery in a way that could earn him an Oscar nomination in Hollywood.

Deshaun WatsonJustin Martin

Martin may not be a household name right now. However, after this exceptional performance, he will be a proud and determined young quarterback waging a lonely war against the arrogance and incompetence of his employer!

Martin portrayed young Ernie Davis in The Express, so he is no stranger to football films. He also starred in Musical high school 3. He can handle the choreography when Watson is forced to dance away from defenders behind the Texans’ terrible offensive line.

Watson is a worker’s hero for our time in Texas, not just as one of the players. While the film may not end with Martin walking away in slow motion from an exploding Texans headquarters, you may wish it did.

Cal McNairStephen Root

Texans, The Movie: Cast of Houston Texans players and staff with Hollywood actors
Stephen Root at the 2011 San Diego Comic-Con International in San Diego, CA. (Skidmore Gage)

Have you ever heard of Stephen Root? How about Bill Dauterive or Buck Strickland from king of the hill? Or the red Swingline stapler from office space? Yeah: this Stephen Root, a versatile character actor and voice actor known for portraying pampered, impressionable, and/or clueless Texans. How does that qualify him to play owner of the Houston Texans? No comment!

Root will spend most of his screen time in Texas sitting behind a desk with a derpy, hypnotized look on his face as Easterby not-so-subtly gaslights him. It’s a thankless role, but someone has to play it.

JJ Watt: Joel Kinnaman

You loved Kinnaman as Robocop in the 2016 reboot. No doubt, you’ll love him as much as one of the players who emerged from the melancholy of their Texans. What is that? You say you haven’t seen the 2016 Robotcop to restart ?

OK, well, you probably remember Kinnaman as Rick Flag from suicide squad. No, he wasn’t the guy who died 10 minutes into the movie. Or the boomerang guy. He was like, “Blah blah blah, it’s Katana, his sword traps the souls of his enemies. It’s an exhibition that won’t pay off later.

Do you remember Kinnaman now? No? OK, look, the Swedish-born actor is talented, he’s big, he’s square-jawed, and he excels at playing action heroes in Hollywood who bosses absolutely can’t trust.

When Kinnaman’s Watt finally asks for his release from the Texans, it’ll be like the scene where Robocop finally breaks his programming and remembers his name is Murphy. Does this scene happen in the 2016 reboot? We do not care? NO ONE LIKED IT.

Nick CaserioJohn Krasinski

Krasinski made a name for himself as an action hero in the series Jack Ryan and a multi-threat actor/director in the thriller The quiet place.

Frankly, Texas needs Jim Halpert to take on McNair’s Michael Scott and Easterby’s Dwight Schrute. Whenever Easterby says something ridiculous or gets into one of his motivational speeches/stand-up routines, Krasinski can “Jim” straight into the camera to remind viewers that Texas is as much a gritty comedy about the main cast as it is an epic tragedy.

Bill O’BrienAlan Tudyk

Tudyk is at his best playing characters who aren’t as powerful, important, or effective as they think they are. Most notably, the often annoying Wash driver from Firefly falls under this umbrella. Tudyk’s ability to antagonize other characters with his smirk will serve him well as O’Brien, the minor villain of the first act who’s ready to take the fall in the second.

Tudyk can portray O’Brien’s profane training ground swagger and awkward backroom stabs for laughs while revealing an undercurrent of pathos that will add emotional weight as O’s ‘Brien realizes that Easterby was playing checkers when he was just playing Candyland. (No one involved with the Texans can play chess, folks. Let’s be real.).

DeAndre Hopkins: Michael B. Jordan

Texans, The Movie: Cast of Houston Texans players and staff with Hollywood actors
Michael B. Jordan speaking at the 2016 San Diego Comic Con International, for ‘Black Panther,’ at the San Diego Convention Center in San Diego, CA. (Skidmore Gage)

Adonis Creed. Killmonger. Nuk Hopkins. All of them are powerful and compelling characters that you definitely don’t want to mess with.

Jordan is a busy actor, and Texas (like the real Texans) probably won’t have a lot of budget, but the Hopkins scenes can be shot in two or three days. Hopkins, Watt and Watson lead the Texans to a 2019 playoff loss, there’s a buddy scene in the locker room, and then boom! Hopkins learns that he is traded.

There’s a shouting match with O’Brien, then a brief scene with McNair (a shadowy Easterby is just lurking in the shadows at this point). Then maybe an end-of-movie sequence where Hopkins gives Watson advice as they walk along a beach or something.

Stunt cast? May be. Built-in audience and instant credibility? Definitively. And with three shots of a shirtless Jordan in the trailer as one of the players, Texas will have a lot more sex appeal from the Hollywood actor than the team really gets.

Eric Bieniemy as Nicholas Pinnock

Pinnock is crushing it right now on TV as prisoner-turned-lawyer Aaron Wallace in For life. Pinnock’s Wallace does everything he can to rise above a corrupt and implicitly biased system, to face one obstacle after another. Of course, that sounds like Bieniemy to us!

Pinnock will only have one major scene in Texans. He will deliver three Shakespeare soliloquies and explain the whole history of the West Coast Infringement to Easterby and McNair, followed by a cut jump to Easterby whispering to a reporter (played by John McClain of The longest yard and Invinciblewhich should have the scope to portray a believable Texan-beaten reporter) whom Bieniemy “didn’t interview well”.

Pricey Patriots flashback footage

In an effort to activate the New England Patriots fanbase, there will be flashback footage in Texasdocumenting Easterby’s rise to power as he provided Tom Brady’s “spiritual leadership” (Arrows Steven Amell), Jimmy Garoppolo (Star Wars’ Oscar Isaac), Rob Gronkowski (Rob Gronkowski), Cesario and Bill Belichick (a CGI character played by Andy Serkis).

These flashbacks will, of course, be the seedlings of an entire universe of NFL feature films and prestige dramas from the streaming service, including Brady! Brady! Brady!, The Way of the Patriotsand Red Shoe Diary of Jimmy G..

Only Jordan Peele can make such a thought-provoking film about Texans players and staff

In his heart, Texas is a horror story and dark satire about race and privilege in America. Only one person on Earth can handle a subject like this – Jordan Peele.

He is an Oscar-winning writer/producer/director get out and Lovecraft Country. Peele can juggle humor, tension, thrills and social commentary like no one else. it will allow Texas to rise above his subject in the same way as Alfred Hitchcock psychology rose above sordid slasher stories.

You will laugh, you will cry, you will scream in fear and you will walk out of the theater (one day) with a new perspective. Then you learn that the real-world Texans just fired a ticket taker who looked at Easterby the wrong way, and that Watson is spending his training camp in a yurt waiting for the team to trade him. You will long for a return to the fairy tale realm of cinema.

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