WELL, what a “triumph” for diversity and inclusion then are these new Love Islanders.
Short, tall, thin, round, thick. . . thicker.
There is a girl named Rachel who walks a lot like Groucho Marx, a guy with a club foot named Hugo and another whose brain can only accept incoming calls.
This is Brad, a laborer from Northumberland.
A rare and authentic original from Love Island, who has a square jawline and blue eyes to envy, but a comatose voice and no interest in anyone else, which means the girls might as well grab one of the bags from beans in a seductive conversation.
For hours, days, the rest of the show, this boy could happily talk about himself and what he “wanted to do” if ITV2 gave him half a chance.
Thankfully, the Love Island editors seem to be doing a much better job than the show’s bookers, who have cluttered viewers with contenders who might look good on paper but are the exact opposite of light entertainment in practice.
A sneaky, brooding, conceited and tensed group for the most part who seem to have come to Love Island for the wrong reasons and all of them crave fame, money, attention or, in Faye’s case, a colorectal surgeon myopic.
“The kind of person I’m looking for,” she explained seriously, “He’s someone who can literally tear a new hole in me.”
I obviously wish him success in his research and I hope that Channel 4 will bring back embarrassing bodies to deal with the fallout.
But Faye is probably wasting her time on this Love Island series, where the tone was set, from day one, by Shannon who described herself as “a slow burner” just 24 hours before being pulled from the series for always.
The fastest burner in the series, ironically.
Although I couldn’t help but think that Shannon had a chance to escape given the assemblage of spineless and childish dudes who, until Millie and Lucinda arrived, all seemed to prefer the company of the other to the real affair of “getting in a relationship” with the girls.
Be careful, it’s hard to be too critical of Brad, Jake, Toby, Hugo and Aaron.
Products of their indignant and overabundant ages, the guys were walking on eggshells with these cosmetically enhanced girls from the start, as they always seemed to be looking for a reason to whine or play the victim and eventually found one when Hugo exaggerated slightly. insisted on the word “false”.
Ugly and tearful scenes and a stern lecture by Sharon followed.
Oddly, despite all the evidence, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bunch of love islanders who remain so convinced of their charm and beauty.
A big mistake on their part.
They’re not much of the former and not in the same league as the Too Hot To Handle crowd when it comes to the latter.
Some righteous souls will deny matters of appearance, of course, but that is the case on Love Island. A lot.
In fact, making fun of beautiful people making fun of themselves was arguably Love Island’s main draw.
Laughing at less attractive and slightly obnoxious people isn’t as fun, which is one of the reasons, along with the show’s recent tragic history, why narrator Iain Stirling struggles to get the slightest laugh out of this. series.
Another is the lack of a well-suited and endearing couple of novelties, who normally earn the £ 50,000.
In previous years, he produced characters like Jack and Dani.
In this one, the closest thing he has are Liberty and Jake.
Their eyes met. Their lips touched. Her cheeks parted. A fart broke out. The pool was rippling.
And then he cooed, “You can chew this.”
But hey, at least it’s diverse and inclusive.
Anne of few words
GETTING Anne Robinson to host Countdown is the worst thing that has happened to consonants since S4C dropped Friday’s episode of Pobol y Cwm.
A week and a half I watched his new “dead in the afternoon” slot machine and I think I saw his lips move twice.
Although I wouldn’t take an oath on that one, because the woman is so rigid that she makes Davros, the Dark Lord of Skaro, look like Lee Evans with the caffeine bark.
In fact, I can’t even be sure that Anne’s “flirtatious” little wink at the end of each episode isn’t generated by an ECT shock from the production gallery.
Under normal circumstances and in simpler times, of course, you’d wonder how Channel 4 could name someone so blatantly unsuitable for the job, or even seen in broad daylight.
But after filling the presenter’s chair with six guys in a row, I guess it boiled down to a simple coin toss between Gloria Hunniford and Anne who, without twitching a muscle, keeps croaking: ” We have three daughters who are counting down. “
How the brilliant Rachel Riley and the unfazed Susie Dent feel about this new arrangement and her “gottle o’geer” performance is open to guessing, of course.
They all make the right sounds, but to those cynical eyes, at least, they look horribly like women who have fallen into Tutankhamun’s burial chamber to find that the only thing in it is Anna Wintour’s death mask.
Or like Dictionary Corner’s Rory bremner in other words, when the table of letters confronted him with IODYGRIAF: “You are stuck with FRIGID, I’m afraid of it”.
Answer of the week
BEST answer to quiz of the week, Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “The polocrosse team game combines elements of polo with what other sport?
Mike: “Noughts and crosses.”
Which better be a demonstration sport at the Tokyo Olympics, or I boycott.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “Launched in the UK in 2014, the Veganuary charity encourages people to eat vegan food in which month?”
The Chase: Celebrity Special, Bradley Walsh: “Which great Asian country is the C in the acronym BRIC?”
Adam Gemili: “Russia. “
And Bradley Walsh: “Van Gogh’s Self-Portrait with Bandaged Ear was created with what kind of paint?
Dave Johns: “Yellow paint. “
Random television irritations
Talks about KATHY BURKE’s money quickly escalate into exactly the kind of childish, crass political propaganda that deserves the privatization of Channel 4.
The One Show is drowning in awakened dignity.
Comedy Central imagines Yesterday, Today & The Day Before won a “Best Bits” compilation.
ITV commentator Sam Matterface sounding desperately out of depth during the regional ball kicking festival.
And new C4 host Anne Robinson asked a candidate for a store sleuth, “Do you have a nice boyfriend?”
Anne, honey, it’s Countdown, not RuPaul’s damn drag race.
Big previews of Euro 2020
ROY KEANE: “It’s a carbon copy of the first lens. It just doesn’t go that wide.
Eni Aluko: “England were so lucky when the Miss de Muller came in.”
Steve Wilson: “This game is really all or nothing for Wales, unless it is a draw.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
DEAF tournament subtitle. Gary Lineker: “It will be a difficult afternoon for the Hungarian defense.”
What became: “It’s going to be a tough afternoon for Hanging Gary in defense.”
Terry Venables, surprisingly touching from SKY Documentaries: A Man Can Dream.
Sophie: A Murder In West Cork, on Netflix, even if it’s at least an hour too long.
BBC3’s High: Confessions Of An Ibiza Drug Mule, detailing the bewildering stupidity of the so-called “Peru Two”.
Boris Becker breaks his commentary on Wimbledon to denounce tattoos, social media and anything that irritates him.
And the very indignant Sharon coming with the emptyest boast in Love Island history: “I already stand out in Didcot, thank you.”
Yeah, baby! Today Didcot, tomorrow Abingdon and Wantage too.
Lookalike of the week
This week’s winner is spin-off football host Peter Crouch and Mr. Lynch from the Home Movies cartoon. Sent by Queen Reenie.
Image Search: Amy Reading
TV quiz. Who said last week: “One day you want Snickers, the next day I want a Twix or a Kit-Kat.” I want them all.”
A) Toby from Love Island, describing women?
B) Piers Morgan, describing the breakfast?
Lies and illusions
BIG TV Lies and Delusions of the Week.
Love Island, Aaron: “Girls often mistake my self-confidence for arrogance.”
Isle of Love, Shannon: “I Instagram, I YouTube, I play, I Twitch, I play cards, I DJ. I am a multi-talented girl. (Details, please.)
And Celebrity Karaoke Club, Tanya Bardsley: “I need crazy oxygen or something.”
You’ve already stolen enough.